7 Questions To Improve Your Marriage
My wife Karen is a therapist who sees a lot of couples whose relationship is in trouble. They are struggling and need help. Often the issues of betrayal and trauma show up. One spouse betrays another and intimacy goes out the window. Modern marriage can be hard!
Karen and I have been fortunate to be married 44 years. We’ve been through a lot and we still love each other. But I’ve noticed that often we’ll go through stretches where it’s easy to coast. You ask us how our marriage is and we’ll tell you, “it’s good.” But the reality is that it’s been a while since we really checked with one another to give the opportunity for feedback.
Who wants to invite feedback that might cause conflict? It’s easier to let the relationship go along on cruise control. If your life is already stressful, the last thing you want is to add another point of stress. Unless, of course, you want more than a cruise control marriage.
I remember years ago talking to a marriage counselor couple from South Africa, Jannie and Dodie Botha. They suggested a simple tool they give couples. It’s like a plumber checking pipes – there can be stuff clogging the pipes in your relationship with your spouse and their questions help you see it.
The tool is simple. Just create space and ask each other the seven questions. The only rules are your spouse doesn’t have to answer right away, but they do have to answer within 24 hours. Your spouse needs to be completely honest (holding hands while asking the questions can help) and you can’t respond defensively.
7 questions
1. Are there any obstacles between us emotionally? Physically? Spiritually?
2. Have I hurt you in any way?
3. Have I encouraged you enough?
4. What can I do to encourage you?
5. Is there anything you want me to do differently?
6. Do I express my love for you enough?
7. Is there anything we can do to communicate better?
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So, Karen and I have a date tonight. I still need to figure out where to take her – it’ll be a nice restaurant with good ambiance. I’ll ask her these questions. I know she loves me and I trust her to be honest. But it’s been a while since I’ve checked and I wonder what she’ll say.
If, like me, you haven’t checked lately, here’s a challenge: Try these questions out and report back about how it goes.
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Great diagnostic questions, Seth. Do you two ask them? Reminded about how the Gottmans talk about staying current on your spouse’s “Love Map.” Asking deep questions, to stay current on your partner’s interior life, and how you are affecting him or her, keep us synchronized. We’re also moving targets who are changing/shifting all of the time. I read a story about a hubby who turned his marriage around by asking his wife “”How can I make your day better?” -and then followed up by doing what she asked.
Unfortunately, our marital Quality Control Feedback protocols default to emotionally-charged confrontations, rather than respectful education. Love the questions! They invite my mate to educate me regularly.
Hey Kevin. We do not regularly ask these as the Bothas advise. We’ve been in a season of powering through a number of challenges. We have pretty good antennae and pick up if something’s wrong and typically go after it. But we need something like this tool. Our date starts in half an hour – I’ll need to report back on how it went!
So how did the date go???
Ha! Well I started asking the questions and she said, “These are too heavy! We need to start with lighter questions.” So it looks like I need to recalibrate yet again!
Seth & Karen,
l’ve walked in, through and around your epic marital journey even as there have been Netflix level dramatic themes in two nuptials of my own which ended prematurely. Divorce creates acid backwashes and poisonous barbs.
l’ll keep it simple and say that through swirling eddies, riptides and occasionally ugly undertows, l have watched both of you remain anchored in love and resilience. That’s been a deep gift in my own variegated life and elixir in those places where like you and your family a day-to-fay trek has tossed hard and hurtful blows. Love never fails and is the highest expression of spiritual Sonship and the Father’s heart. The tapestry of your love together is colorful, compassionate and compelling. Grateful.
Butch
Thanks for the kind words, Butch. I’m fortunate that Karen is patient – a soft place for me to land after encountering life’s battles on any given day. Life is full of surprises. I’m fortunate to have learned to try and face into reality as opposed to skirting its edges.
I’m sorry for the painful backwashes you’ve had to go through. So many things we’d do differently if we had it to do over again. I appreciate your friendship and the way that you always keep asking me, “have you done it yet?” When you know the answer is, “no, there is more to do still.”
Using this on our 6 year anniversary next week! Thank you!
– Z
Using this on our 6 year anniversary next week! Thank you!