We all have acquaintances. But how many real friends do we have?
The word “friends” has come on hard times. We “friend” others, but we don’t do the things with them that friends used to do. To talk about different kinds of friends is to invite comparison, and who knows what kind of deep water that might land you in.
“Deep water” is a place we don’t want to go. Why? Presumably because, not being able to touch bottom or in other ways orient ourselves, we might drown. “You’re in deep water now!” We warn others.
But deep water friends are what we long for.
How many people are you deeply connected to? The average man in America has two friends – but friends who may not guess at his inner desperation. Suicide rates are up in older men. But it’s much worse for young people for whom suicide rates are up 62%!
Why is this happening? For one thing, we have needs that are not being met – we are in pain and no one knows. We Boomers seem to have found ways to hide or numb our pain. A recent study found that baby boomer happiness is ranked 10th in the world among similar aged people. But young people are deeply anxious – ranking 60th! That’s a huge gap between generations.
So whatever age we are, the question is, how many people can we trust with our pain? Hiding may be natural, but we need deep water friends – intimate friends. Intimacy is what gives richness to life.
And intimacy requires vulnerability. You will never get to an intimate place if you can’t show yourself for who you are – warts and all. One of the reasons I follow Jesus is that he repeatedly showed us how to live in our own skins as vulnerable human beings. He sought deep authenticity. He was attracted to pain. He gets you and me.
So depth with friends requires the potential for pain. We step into vulnerability knowing that we may hurt more a minute from now than we do right now.
I don’t know how you do it. Probably a lot of us post-covid are running low on emotional reserves. What works for me is to recognize that at some level, I bare some responsibility. I’ve learned to say, “Yes, I was wrong – I messed up when I did that, will you forgive me?”
And then I begin to find myself in the deep water I was born for.
The payoff is the potential for intimacy, for deep water friendship. I’ve got a few deep water friends in my life. I’ve had to fight for them – learning to forgive and be forgiven. It’s required courage that I at times have lacked and needed to go find.
How about you? You deserve friends who see you for who you are and love you deeply.
Thanks for the photo to Rosie Kerr
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Dad, thanks for being you and being real to those who hold you dear. Intimacy and vulnerability demand hard work that’s akin to dying to a certain degree. It’s scary. I realized that without intentionality and persistence, my hands and heart are weakened because of the onslaught of offenses and betrayals from “friends”. I imagine they could say the same about me.
Aren’t we in that age foretold by our Lord Jesus— “…then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another… because lawlessness is increased, the love of most people will grow cold.” Matt 24:10,12
Hot love needs the furnace of truth and forbearance to keep warm. Love you sir, and thanks again.
Thanks, Uche. I love that last line: “Hot love needs the furnace of truth and forbearance to keep warm.” I’m so thankful for the way you’re pressing into the hard work needed to go deep with people. Its worth it.
I moved into a small town five years ago after living in a remote and isolated area for more than twenty years. Now I have deep water friends that mean so much to me, something I didn’t have for all those years. Thank you Seth for this post, these types of friendships truly make a difference and they are hard to live without.
Kate – What a great report! Going to a remote place, by finding close friends there. I checked out your blog site https://telloutmysoul.com/ and love what you’re doing!
I’m so glad to consider you a Deep Water Friend, Seth! I’m grateful for your love, honesty, loyalty, grace, and your courage exercised with every loving rebuke you’ve given me (all well-deserved). My goal with you, and the rest of our Wroho group is to grow old liking, loving, supporting, encouraging, and enjoying each other. I appreciate your reflective and provocative posts. They inspire and motivate me. I also appreciate that your actions reflect your exhortation! Thanks for the reminder to continue to intentionally invest in those who matter most. I am especially comforted in knowing that our friendship has an eternal dimension to it, through our shared faith in Jesus! I love you, dear friend!
Thanks, Kevin. Yes – we’ve known each other nearly half a century now! Yikes! Thanks for being my friend. My life is richer for you being in it.