Premarital counseling basics from pastor Kev
Just back from Spain. It was good to hug Karen after a week away. I saw “The Time Traveler’s Wife” as we were flying over the Atlantic and I thought about all the young couples we know falling in and out of love.A few of them will actually make it to the altar. It goes without saying that marriage is complicated in this day and age and many of them are intimidated by it. So I asked my old friend Kevin McCarthy, who has been a pastor most of his life, what advice he has for couples preparing for marriage. He’s counseled his share of newliweds. He suggests the following four steps:
1. If the people getting married aren’t believers, read and discuss “The Christ-Centered Marriage” from Dr. Neil Anderson.
2. Make ’em complete the “Personal History Questionaire” from marriagebuilders. After finishing, exchange them, and interview each other concerning it. Then deal with the “red flag” issues (ie: sexual abuse, financial debts, h/o substance abuse, criminal records, etc….)
3. Next, read chapter 1-12 of His Needs/Her Needs. To help them understand each other’s top needs and develop a basic plan to meet them in marriage, they should take the Core Emotional Needs Questionnaire and review it together.
4. In three years, he brings them back for a Love Busters group.
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Thanks Seth. Welcome home…….
On of the best books (I believe) on this topic is “The Mystery of Marriage”.
And the standardized test and assessment model is fraught with error. People are not an algorithm. There is not prediction per se.
These are tools to help.
But in the end you need people willing to “die” to save the covenant.
It all starts and ends there.
That is two divorces later–neither of which I wanted.
If they are not believers, why would they even read a book titled, The Christ-Centered Marriage? Just a question…
Thought provoking comments and very useful links. Thanx Seth!
Taryn – Because he tells them to maybe. If they want him to marry them, it’s a part of the package.
John and Stasi Eldrege just released a book about this called “Love and War”…only in the first chapter, but it’s great so far.
Do you think it’s wise to reveal all the details of every past relationship? Specifics about sexual history? I am reading through the “personal history questionnaire” and am wondering if perhaps some things are best left unsaid.
I recently had a conversation with my girlfriend and we shared the number of past sexual partners. After sharing and experiencing the emotions/feelings afterward… I’m wondering if it may have been better to just accept that we’re both made new in Christ. I’m not sure what I gained by knowing (and now thinking about) the number of men she had been before meeting the Lord.
What does everything think? Anybody have any experience using this questionnaire?