Saying Goodbye to Hunter: How To Respond When a Friend Commits Suicide?

There is grief of an expected loss, and then there is the grief of surprise loss. Both are deeply painful. Both bring up a host of feelings. However, the surprise kind of grief is more like a punch to the gut. A mind-numbing-can’t-get-my-head-around-it gut punch. And while you are doubled over, breathless, your mind scrambles and goes into high gear. Every thought swirls, as if dancing with a hurricane. There is no settling down these feelings and all the ideas that come with them.

Especially, in the case of suicide. Memories of good times and laughter, superimposed on the idea that somehow, I missed something. Why did I not see? Why didn’t I call? How could this have happened? Did I have some role to play? Where was God in this? Why didn’t he stop it? How could my friend have been in this much pain and I didn’t know it? Why? What could I have done? How did I miss this?

This cyclone of thoughts brings its own kind of destruction. My soul feels… Abandonment. Betrayal. Sorrow. Gut wrenching regret. Tears. Self judgement. All the ways I somehow overlooked my friend. But here is an important fact to remember: you are not responsible for someone else’s choices. Each of us has to walk our own road. We do it together, in community, but ultimately, we each make our own decisions.

Hunter made his. His pain was too great to stay. We may never understand his thought process, or why he didn’t reach out. That is the cruelty of suicide. It leaves us with so many unanswered questions. So many conversations we want to have, to get to the depth of a pain we cannot comprehend.

We wish for one more chat…just one more, so we could listen. So, we could tell him how he makes us feel. Suicide leaves us reeling with sorrow over the isolation Hunter must’ve felt. We don’t want our friends to feel alone. We want them to know they are loved and cared for.

But here’s the thing, the absence of his presence in our lives now highlights the joyful times we had with him. His laugh comes unbidden into our minds and makes us smile. His antics now have a more meaningful spot in our memories of us. The bitterness of the loss brings with it the sweet of our time with him.

There is no way to bring him back. To let him know of our love. We did that while he was here. I believe he felt it. He knew we were for him. He knew he belonged with us. What happened between that time and now will remain unknown. Why he didn’t say something, or why he felt he couldn’t tell us what was happening is the unanswerable question.

Our response now is to remember him. To value his memory and our times with him. To share the joy he left with us with one another. And to let God heal our own hearts of the painful turmoil in them at his absence.

Suicide leaves a scar of enormous proportions on all those who cared, especially those closest. It reminds us not to get too busy. To be intentional. To reach out to each other. To say all the things we feel. To lift one another up. These are the ways we can honor Hunter. It is our lesson in being present. In being intentional. In listening.

He will be greatly missed, but he is not gone from our hearts. Talking and laughing about our times with him brings a measure of healing. It allows him to be alive in our community even now. Don’t let grief stop the memories of him. Don’t let it divide you from your fun with him. Don’t let it snuff him out completely and isolate you.

We are a community who loves big. Allow this tragedy to remind us of who we are and who God made us to be. The reconcilers. The hands of healing. The fellowship of believers. The uplifters, encouragers, and exhorters. Those who listen and love well. That’s who we are.

It is who Hunter was as well. Think about how many smiles he brought to so many. That is the way to remember him well. He is at peace now. Whatever pain haunted him is gone. He is free.