Do you know, I would have agreed with you categorically until this last year. For the last 7 months in particular, I have been like the cat turning up at God’s door, desperate for His lap to rest on, wanting His nearness and the comfort of being right there with Him as I have known so much before in my life, only His presence has remained absent. It’s been horrible. I miss Him terribly.
But as I am preparing to head back into attending church again from 1st March, I realise that I am going as someone who is no longer sure how to connect, who knows that God is real and that He is there but who can’t feel it. That puts me on the opposite side to where I used to be as a worship leader. To worship without a fresh flow of emotion towards God – that’s alien to me. I never understood people who couldn’t really get it, who couldn’t focus in on God and then know the tangible sense of His presence. Now it’s me.
Probably not a bad thing to know from the inside if I am ever going to lead worship again. Still a painful place to be. But a friend emailed me this week and asked if my ministry and my heart was more towards the happy clappies or the broken and suffering…….and he suspected the latter. In which case, God leading me into this place is no surprise. You only have compassion for the broken when you have walked through hurt yourself. Done plenty of that before, but here’s some more. Maybe it’s time to go deeper.
Still wintry over here. But I guess when the Spring comes, it will never have tasted so good.