We all need pastoring. Who tends your heart?
Many of us neglect our hearts. We never had someone care for it, so we learned to protect it ourselves, stiff-arming those who get too close to it. We learned to hide our hearts lest they be bruised.
In our modern society, our hearts get bruised more than ever. Though we’re social animals, we don’t live in community. A generation ago, the average person had three close friends and now the number is down to two. Our primary relationships are often virtual.
Good friends can tend our hearts. They can inspect the state of our hearts by asking questions and paying attention to both the words we say and our nonverbals.
In the absence of good friends, we can go looking for those who are paid to care for hearts – professional counselors or pastors.
How to tend a heart
How many times in a given week do you hear someone say, “How are you?” and you know they really want to know? You know they expect an answer from you other than, “fine.” And you know there will be a followup question.
How honest are you able to be about your own heart with yourself? A guy walked into my room recently. I know that he’s burned out and needs a break. I asked him how he was and, because he’s a can-do guy and I’m someone he wants to please, I didn’t expect honesty. I expected a stiff upper lip. That’s what’s normal.
Tending a person’s heart is like looking after a garden. Hearts need encouragement and care just like gardens do. And, like gardens, they can be neglected.
Gardens need weeding, watering and fertilizing, just like our hearts. At my home these days, our gardens need more care than they are getting. Every day I’m reminded of that as I watch the weeds grow higher. I know I should go pull them and spread some fertilizer.
When you encourage someone’s heart, it’s like watering. Psychologists say you need five positive remarks to offset the impact of one negative remark.
Some people are set up in life to do a better job of empathy than others. And some seem to have been given a spiritual gift of loving. Others of us have to work on it. But we’re all called to it.
Feeding sheep
Look at Jesus – for three years he taught his disciples how to live in the kingdom. He taught them how to go from consumers to providers. On their last morning with him, he had a message to share (see it in John 21). One more time, he met their needs. There was a big catch of fish and he prepared breakfast for them.
Then it was time for a final conversation with his most gung-ho disciple.
Jesus asked him a simple question, “Do you love me more than these?”
“Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you.”
Then Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.”
The point? God knows that our hearts need care. Jesus modeled what that looks like for his disciples and he drilled the point home before leaving the earth.
We need good friends who will ask probing questions and really listen. We need those with the gift of pastoring to do what pastors do.
Do pastors tend hearts anymore?
Unfortunately, pastors these days are as busy as everyone else. They may put in 20 hours preparing for their Sunday sermon and find that the rest of their time is split between committee meetings and administrative obligations.
So who is left to tend hearts?
Maybe a good place to start thinking about this is to be honest about the state of your heart. We all need good friends to help us unpack the hard things in our life. We need to prioritize friendship. We need to be able to talk about stuff.
Some questions
What is the state of your heart? A good place to start is with questions. Here are a few in parting:
Who asks the tough questions?
Who understands you?
What does your heart need?
Who do you share your life with?
Who knows your wounds?
Who helps you to heal?
Comments (11)
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I love this blog. Cuz it’s what I talk about all the time 🙂
Tina,
Let’s talk about how people who are pastoral at Adventures can get more activated to care for our own. What do you think about that?
Trained as an engineer, I tend to look for foundational causes or support for everything. Your pointing out the need for friendship and relationship with other people reflects on the first relational crisis in the Bible — and I’m not talking about “The Fall”! That event of Genisis 3 caused the destruction of Man’s relationship with GOD, but before that, in Genesis 2, God points out a design feature of Man with the proclamation to Adam “It is not good for the man to be alone!” Consider Genisis has contained 5 “goods” and 1 “very good”prior to that, God says having no human relationships is “not good”is BIG! And Adam was sinless! Walking and talking with God!
Christians tend to give restoration of the lost relationship with God 99.9% of their focus, to the detriment of meeting needs for human relationship by eleminating others being alone. I suggest God has declared HE, alone, is not enough. Adam, in perfect relationship with God, was “not good” without human intimacy. By design. Gods perfect design!
If the church learns to love one another first, which I suggest is accomplished by eliminating aloneness, the non believers outside will see and be drawn to it, allowing the church to then share the gosphel to tell them where that love comes from. “A new commandment I give you, to love one another. By the way you love one another, the world will know that you are my disciples”.
Great points here, Jeff.
Satan’s greatest tool against engaging others is busyness. Especially in America. Same as Christ time. Consider the story of the Good Samaritan.
Thanks for the blog Seth. I don’t believe anyone tends the heart anymore. I would bet that the number of real friends is less than two. People are so shallow now and don’t want more than “how are you.” Your ministry is taking our children/ young adults to a new level. Real depth in relationships. I envy my boys and the relationships they will build this year. Our reality is so shallow and without any meaning. Corporate goals and politics have no value and no meaning. Thanks for being real. Thanks for being passionate about decipling and growing up this generation to have purpose. To have relationships. To be intentional about their calling. Blessings my brother…..Joel McCrary.
Joel – I know that there is more available for all of us. Those who are thirsty will be satisfied. It is a privilege to pour into those who are thirsty.
Paul said to the Philippians, “It is right for me to feel this way about you all since I have you in my heart.” Very powerful. Maybe uncomfortable…because those questions hang there: Am I confident that someone (pastoral) has me in their heart and are there others that are confident that I have them in my heart? Not just a general caring for someone’s well-being, but “in my heart.” No, this degree of affection is not commonly experienced in the Church. I cannot make others’ decisions, but I pray I ever move more deeply into this sincere love.
Paul said to the Philippians, “It is right for me to feel this way about you all since I have you in my heart.” Very powerful. Maybe uncomfortable…because those questions hang there: Am I confident that someone (pastoral) has me in their heart and are there others that are confident that I have them in my heart? Not just a general caring for someone’s well-being, but “in my heart.” No, this degree of affection is not commonly experienced in the Church. I cannot make others’ decisions, but I pray I ever move more deeply into this sincere love.
Hi Seth, as your email came in today I was re-reading John Eldredge’s book, “Waking the Dead.” This is a book I find I need to read at least once a year. The book as you may be aware is focused on getting our hearts back, and the war we are in to do so. You mentioned, “We need to prioritize friendship.” This is very true, but unfortunately almost everyone I know is too busy. I try to make friendships with other men but usually they are too busy (in ministry) and have no time to get together, and it becomes easy to just give up and say it’s not worth trying. I have no answers but I do know that are all too busy at one level or another – or if not too busy, our focus is out of balance and we have forgotten the importance of real friendship and fellowship. Thanks for your article today.
I love Eldredge’s book too, Joe. I’ll bet that the guys you are friends with appreciate you!