I was down in south Florida in the car with old friends this weekend. We were talking about relationships and we realized that a lot of people make friends with you because of what they can get out of the relationship.
Tammy glibly referred to that as a “stepping stone relationship.”
I’d never heard the term before, and said, “Wait, where did you get that term – what does it mean?”
Apparently, these kind of relationships are especially common in south Florida and in cities like New York. They happen because people are trying to get ahead. You’ve got something they want, so they do what they have to in order to get it from you. It’s the opposite of Jesus’ gospel of allowing people to use you. (
Matt. 5-7)
My thought is, nobody wants to use people that way, but if they are wounded badly enough or if you put them under pressure, it happens. People under pressure become less caring about relationships.
And beneath that, is a deeper thought that makes it easier to treat people as objects: “I’m resource-poor and to get what I need I have to use people” – it’s a poverty mentality.
I’ll leave you with a few questions to consider:
To what extent do you have stepping stone relationships?
What’s the difference between networking and stepping stone relationships?
How do you guard against using people?
How do you guard against using people? Make your networking strategy doing favors for people. It’s time that we rethink what it means to “get ahead.” Serving your way into relationship, as far as I’m concerned, the only way to gain influence.
Having worked in professional sports and in jobs “people would kill to have,” I can definitely vouch that these types of relationships exist. For me it has always been about knowing who my “real” friends are and giving them access to things as a thank you for what they’ve done for me. There will always be people just looking for what they can get out of relationships and it’s about being wary of those and weeding them out. Quickly.
As for Networking vs. Stepping Stone – Networking is about getting to know each other. About finding mutually beneficial relationships, partnerships, etc. Stepping Stone will always be one way.
Thanks, Tommy. Wish I’d thought of that. It’s the perfect book for this issue.
Thanks, Tommy. Wish I’d thought of that. It’s the perfect book for this issue.
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you!! Can’t go wrong when you live by the golden rule! On the other hand ask God for discernment for He alone tries the hearts of men (I Sam 16:7 & Heb 3:12), and will place a warning bell in our spirit that says “Be careful child”! Just as we warn our children against some questionable characters they may come into contact with….smile. As Christians we have 6 senses, not just 5…smile.
Thanks Seth. You know I love you and your dear family.
My way of dealing with this insidious satanic monster you described has been to become a semi monastic hermit. Self promoting alleged followers of Jesus are not hard to spot.
I only trust God these days.
Shalom….
A good resource for this dilemma is a book called: “Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box,” by the Arbinger Institute. Very insightful.