My wife, Kathy, and I have been married nearly 29 years. We have three sons ages 22-25, they are all in the middle of pursuing God’s plan for their lives. It often feels that their walk into destiny is actually a walk away from us. A recurring thought I’ve had as we raised our sons was that they were trying to move away from us. See, when they crawled, they crawled away; when they walked, they walked away; when they ran, they ran away. We taught them to ride bikes, they peddled away, they got their licenses, they drove away.
Now we see them in pursuit of independence and finding their voices. The problem we are having is they are fighting to get independence from us and their voices rarely sound like us. It’s a painful job this calling to be a parent.
It’s getting more painful all the time because the world is getting scarier and increasingly unsafe. On top of that we are the generation that has over-indulged and over-protected our children. We have cared more about their comfort than their character development. We have done everything we could to keep them from pain – every sharp corner covered, every outlet protected, “baby on board” signs in every minivan. We haven’t wanted them to feel the pain of losing either, so now every sports participant gets a t-shirt and a trophy for just showing up. We call their bosses if they get harsh evaluations at work.
I recently heard a professor interviewed and he said “parental intervention is getting out of control”. He was further quoted as saying “that for the first time in 30 years he was having to regularly defend grades to parents of undergrad and grad students a like”.
We must stop the madness of constant interference. These young people are actually God’s plan to bring in the next great harvest. The work is going to be hard, painful, lonely, humbling, and even dangerous. We can’t run behind our children any longer with pillows trying to soften the pain that God himself may be orchestrating.
Our young adults need an alternative to our interference. They need places that will offer initiation into adulthood. They need places to find their voices and independence. They need places to be exposed to real pain and have the Holy Spirit ask, “What will you do about it?” They need places with close community that will challenge the behaviors and attitudes that we have previously excused. In short, they need places to grow up and grow away from us.
Real discipleship should offer real ministry while providing a real invitation to real maturity.
The world needs our kids and we need to let them go!!!
Comments (20)
Leave a Reply
I love that you’ve given examples. You know the people that will take this to heart are the ones who are already letting go, right? I think it’s important when you broach the subject that you realize parents are in many stages on the continuum. We live in a society in which there are parents who are completely detached from their children, and, when their children genuinely need help, they are no where to be found. Others are what many call helicopter parents. From working with high-schoolers and watching what comes later, I think this is an excellent subject. Knowing what is appropriate bonding and appropriate detachment is an excellent subject. Thanks for the opportunity to think this through.
I’m in both as a parent and a coach. Whats the next step?
I echo Michael’s thoughts in a prayer I blogged about a while back.
My prayers have changed so much through the years. I’ve gone from – bless them Lord to surround them with a hedge of thorns.
I don’t pray God keep them from pain, but that pain would always be used only as an instrument to drive them to God and never from Him.
I don’t pray that they wouldn’t know hardship but learn dependence from it.
I don’t pray for success that would allow their ego to grow bigger than their hearts. I pray for them to be managers of favor and success for God’s glory.
I don’t pray that their marriages and relationship would be fully satisfying but I do pray that no relationship would ever be as sweet as the one they have with God.
I do pray that no comfort on earth would make them apathetic.
I pray that they would never be comfortable with sin in their lives. I pray that they would suffer the thought of what an indulgent sin would cost their precious children and spouse.
I pray that their hearts would break when others suffer and they would be compelled to action on their behalf.
I pray that they would suffer God’s lost sheep as if it were their own child.
I don’t pray for bigger houses but for bigger hearts.
I don’t pray for bigger paychecks than their ability to steward.
I pray their character always be bigger than their gifts.
I pray that there is no duplicity in their lives and that if there is, God is his kindness would bring it to light, quickly.
I pray that they be good swimmers in the sea of God’s grace and not pity pit dwellers.
I pray for the ability to love them beyond my selfish need to see them comfortable and that I would lead a life they can follow without apology.
I pray that Roger and I love each other as a living example of how Christ’s loves the church.
I pray that Roger and I will continue on the journey towards Christ like maturity and that no childish ways are found in us.
I pray that we leave them a legacy of prayer for the next generation.
wow. I’ve always understood that our job as parents is to help our kids launch, but Rozy’s comment absolutely humbles me. I’m copying it off as a reminder- especially the prayer that no relationship be as sweet as their relationship with God.
Good stuff. i love this line: Real discipleship should offer real ministry while providing a real invitation to real maturity. I can’t wait to send my daughter – and she is only 15… Heck, I want to go myself! (now that would REALLY be a hovering parent!) … LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Rozy’s prayer – I am copying it too!
Thanks for your post Michael. I too love your prayer Rozy!
My husband and I sent our daughter to Mozambique Africa, to attend a three month mission school, she was sixteen. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in re: to parenting. It kept me on my knees in prayer, crying out to God on her behalf and mine. God called her in that season to Africa, it was the beginning of letting go for both of us.
This parenting thing is a really by trial and error. We do not get a manuel before our children are born and most of us did not have the best parenting, modeled for us. But by God’s grace He does allow us to raise our children and when it is time to let them go.
Seth!
As a WR coach I can honestly say that these young people are ready for the challenges of the race! I am not only a WR coach but a dad as well. I have 3 daughters ( 18, 19 and 21 ) I have had to understand that Selena and I have raised them up the best we could. They are now making their own decisions and even though it is a little tough sometimes to step back and watch, we are learning that it is best when we do. They are awesome young ladies and I am proud of the amazing gifting God has placed in them. The world Racers really are fire breathers! Truly ROCK STARS! I just returned from Istanbul, Turkey where we were with the J squad. They are on a Technology Fast. This could be considered a hard thing, especially her at the Christmas season. Funny thing though, They ALL are looking forward to pressing into Christ during this fast.
I admire them for this move and I would say to any friends and family to celebrate the tenacity of these guys. It is going to be tough for them too, but they want to see Christ and Him lifted up.
I have heard Michael Hindes tell about his children and how they have all turned out to be great people with lots of character and skills. I have always been amazed at your children Seth! They all are so talented and have excellent character. It IS true. If we raise them up in the way hey should go, they will not depart from it!
World Racers. LET THEM GO! The world needs them
Chuck Day
When I was a college student, I did study abroad in Costa Rica and in Mexico. My mother was overconcerned and an obstacle. I wanted to do Peacecorps, but my parents could only tell me that they’d support it if it worked out but that they really didn’t want to see me do that. Oh what encouragement!
Now, parents are even worse. I’ve also heard of instances where parents are calling their child’s job or their child’s professor. I would hope that a company would fire an employee if a parent were calling to intervene on their child’s behald regarding the child’s job (not the parent) and the child’s performance on the job. And I’d hope professors would be courageous enough to make the grade the the child earn stick. Now, if the child were sick, then that’s different. It would be good for the parent to report something like that to a boss or professor.
Parents, please move out of your child’s way. You only cripple your children with these antics. Companies need responsible adults in the role of employees and college students need to be responsible for their own education and making the grade. No wonder so many twenty and thirty somethings are making poor decisions and companies are worried that they won’t be able to replace the talent of the baby boomers. Baby boomers: A generation of folks who worked hard, took responsibility for themselves and acheived their measure of success.
And morality: parents haven’t taught their children. but I won’t go on. that would start up another conversation.
David
Atlanta,GA
Thanks for the comments here. Rozy your insights were on the mark and timely. Four young adults test faith. I sure want to be “faithful”. It isn’t “rain” until it is “raining”. It isn’t “faith” until we are “faithing”.
While I can see that what you say here is true, in that kids need to stand on their own feet, walk through their own pain and come out the other side etc, there is a part of this that just leaves me reeling and not knowing at all how to do this.
So many people I know are like me. We have responded against a generation where affection and approval were mostly withheld and where we have had to work hard to lose the insecurity that was its fruit in our lives. I still wrestle with these issues at various levels and I’m 45 now.
So we have done what everyone told us was the right thing to do. We have showered our kids with expressions of love, support and affection and have been there for them because we found there wasn’t anyone there for us and it hurt. We swore they wouldn’t have to go through some of the stuff we did, because we felt it mostly unneccessary to spend so many years trying to find a place in God where we could understand and receive approval, love, grace – all the things we hadn’t experienced before. We believed that our support, love, approval and grace should show them what God was like as best as we could do it, so they would find it easier to believe in His truths about Himself.
I would never go into school and question my son’s grades – his work is up to him and I don’t pick fights with teachers. But I don’t honestly have a clue as to how you bring up a kid to both be sure of your love and support and yet independent of you and able to work through pain when it comes their way.
It seems there are plenty of people out there ready to tell me what I do wrong in my parenting but not many to show me how to do it right. So how do I learn? Trial and error seems the only available way. Will I look back and find I did it all wrong? I fear it. And I honestly have no idea. Where’s the line between support and interference? It seems whichever way you jump in any given situation, there are people to tell you that you did it wrong for your kid. Damned if you do and damned if you don’t. It’s a minefield and it seems there is too much opinion out there, too many books written from ten thousand opposing perspectives, but too little real help for people who honestly seek it.
Carol C. your questions are profound for parents who don’t know what to do or how to let go, yet want to love their children unconditionally. I agree people are telling parents what they do wrong and even here, “let go”. Well, what does “let go” look like??
I think Rozy’s prayer is an excellent primer on how to let go. She spells it out, rather than simply says “let go”. She gives concrete examples or does and don’ts. I need to not only copy this, but memorize this.
Enough with telling parents to “let go”; it’s not helpful. Tell them HOW; post Rozy’s reply as a blog unto itself.
My 2 cents. BTW, I love this discourse opportunity and that we’re able to question without our hand being slapped.
It’s all one big, long journey, God willing. Some see the path more clearly than others; they must have a better map.
Carol C. your questions are profound for parents who don’t know what to do or how to let go, yet want to love their children unconditionally. I agree people are telling parents what they do wrong and even here, “let go”. Well, what does “let go” look like??
I think Rozy’s prayer is an excellent primer on how to let go. She spells it out, rather than simply says “let go”. She gives concrete examples or does and don’ts. I need to not only copy this, but memorize this.
Enough with telling parents to “let go”; it’s not helpful. Tell them HOW; post Rozy’s reply as a blog unto itself.
My 2 cents. BTW, I love this discourse opportunity and that we’re able to question without our hand being slapped.
It’s all one big, long journey, God willing. Some see the path more clearly than others; they must have a better map.
wow, no quick one liner comments on this topic. I’m 32, served in the Army and my mother still runs behind my siblings with a pillow. Self preservation vs. self sacrifice. The generations collide.
Oh yeah, could have used some of that protective spirit when she forced me to wear my headgear to school in 4th grade. lol. Funny right. Old wounds, sittin around lickin em today. Peace to yall.
just arrived in managua
good stuff here. Good reality check, Carol.
Here’s how my parents did it: They loved me and gave me opportunities and didn’t build their lives around me. they kept prompting me to travel and to do things on my own. I was special in their eyes, but they had lives to live too.
As far as this matter of not having a point of reference – that’s an issue that seems to particularly mothers. I watch so many of them with no mentor and no feedback loop. It used to be that mothering was done in a tribal way with the backup of aunts and uncles. In our modern world, we seem to have opted for a strangely insular model. It’s broken, not us. Certainly not the mothers who only want the best for their children.
We need to reach out and find mentoring and accountability. Yes, there are books and opinions by the hundreds, but that’s true of any discipline in the digital world. What we need is not information, but wisdom.
I recommend Juli Slattery for young mothers – find her on fotf.org. She’s a friend – a psychologist who loves wisdom and understands the complexity of a mother’s world from the inside out.
3 months ago I sorted out a flat for my 18 year old son to move into with two of his friends.
He now wants to come back home.
He is behind on his rent, has no money left for bills,he has no money to go out and “enjoy life”,he constantly struggles to buy enough food, he cant cope without internet or satalite TV but cant afford to buy them and when he tried to make a “quick buck” by getting into the sale of illegal drugs he couldnt afford to pay the drug dealer so go beat up and thrown down the stairs.His clothes look unclean, he fed up of having baths and misses a shower, he misses home, he misses his brother and sister in fact, he now values his home and family more than I have ever seen.
Sometimes you just have to hand people “over to themselves” just so they see the truth of life, the truth of who they are, to take full responsibility of their own actions.
Its a huge learning curve but a much needed one.
I love my son dearly, but my love alone will not bring him to the place he needs to be in…..he needs to rely on God not his mother.
It is a pity that the World Race doesnt take 18 year olds…..I think that would do him the world of good.
Seth, I’m a squad leader on the August K squad and I cannot thank you and Michael enough for posting this blog and opening up dialog about this topic of parental interference.
I am one of the 20 something year old adult “kids” on the Race right now and so I am coming at this from a different point of view…
Our squad is currently in the mist of a month long technology ban, excluding Christmas day. Before the ban, most Racers contacted their families and mentors. I heard several Racers explain to their parents that while they may not have personally chosen the ban for themselves, they did choose to live in community, submit to authority (this doesn’t mean blindly by any means), and to daily choose to die to self in order to be alive in Christ. For most K squaders, they know and believe that God will be glorified through this short season of abandonment.
Most parents understood that their adult child chose to go on the Race and that at times communication with “home” would be limited for the purpose of drawing closer to the Lord and to develop community intimacy. The simple truth is that some Racers hold on so tightly to their “home” that when a challenge arises on the Race, as they do daily, they first go to their parents with the issue for comfort and answers rather than to God.
Some parents however responded differently and here lies the problem. One parent actually said something along the lines of, “I can’t believe you are doing this to me.” As if this is all about them and not God and His Kingdom!
This is where the line is drawn. It’s not about the parents… it’s not about the Racers. It’s about doing the will of the Father.
So as a Racer, mom and dad, I desire your love, support, prayers and accountability. I can do without your guilt trip though.
Parents: trust that you’ve raised your child to discern for themselves what is from the Lord. And then let them walk through it!
Adult child Racer: honor and respect your earthy mother and father as it says in the bible, while being obedient to your Heavenly Father. That may mean that it’s time to tell your parents that you love them, but it’s time to take a step back and just pray rather than give you their opinion.
Excellent conversations and I believe a fruitful discussion over than last 24 hours. Parenting is hard work and I have great respect for those who endeavor to work at it until it works.
My husband and I have strived to stay connected to other families that are thriving and to our local church.
One of the teachings from our church put parenting strategy into a simple model. The model is simple, the living it out is not lol.
High discipline / Affection – This means that we have a very strong responsibility factor in our homes. We pay before we play. Chores, homework, responsibilities were taken care of before recreation began. We did not rescue the kids from natural consequences but at times when led by the Spirit we would show grace and explain the concept to them.
The High affection is absolutely necessary in this equation. It is how they knew their value in our eyes and in the eyes of the Heavenly Father. Hugs and kisses are a staple in our home along with words of encouragement and affection. Words of correction are brought forward in love. Nothing is swept under the carpet, no subject is ignored for the sake of false peace.
If you have High Discipline and Low Affection – you end up in a militant household with children who will either rebel or be made incapable of self direction.
If you have Low Discipline and High Affection – you create the perfect spoiled child, selfish and incapable of thinking about others above himself.
Low Affection and Low Discipline you have a forgotten child. Neglected and subject to every temptation and enticement in the world.
It is important to say that today parents have to lovingly parent themselves and heal in the areas they may have been poorly parented. Only as we allow our hearts to heal and work with the Holy Spirit in a intimate partnership, can we negotiate our precious ones through this life and into a life that glorifies God.
We are never done being parented by our Father in heaven or passing along that influence to the next generation.
If you are a parent reading this, then my heart is for you and we are on the same team.
Blessings,
Rozy
Good stuff everyone. Thanks especially for the practical words, Rozy. Our kids are still little, but I want to keep the end in mind as we prepare them (and maybe, more importantly, us!) to grow them up and send them out for the Kingdom!
amazing!