My crazy life

Something is broken in me, and it looks equal parts American, Barnes family DNA, and my first-born status. It is decidedly not French.

I take a perverse kind of pride in my busy life. It’s 4:45 in the morning, and we’re just back from a World Race debrief in Hong Kong last night.

Having battled jet lag all night (I sleep a bit, roll over to look at the clock, do a calculation – “let’s see, in bed at 10:40; it’s 3 a.m., so I’ve kind of slept 4 hours 20 minutes, nah, keep sleeping”).

In the back of my mind is this kind of sub-atomic clock that makes micro-calculations concerning how I should feel about myself at any given moment. I think most of us do it and are unaware of the process. Here’s what it looks like for me:

Seth’s Activity Self-image Tote Board

• Gone from home for 9 days, done 3 World Race debriefs – Good
• Leah is doing well upon our return – Good
• Karen & I are happy – Good
• Whipped thru 340 emails – Good
• Looked in the mirror; I’m going bald fast – Bad
• Redskins lost yesterday; I root for a bad team – Bad
• A myriad of office issues that need handling – Good & Bad
• Had a blast seeing Talia, the Racers, Shearman & Black – Good
• The World Race site rewrite is done; I love Mike, Jerry, & Jeff! – Good
• I only ran once in Asia and feel like a lard-butt – Bad
• I ate too much and am three pounds overweight – Bad
• Etc., etc.

The list is much longer than that, and my subconscious mind is constantly checking it and re-sorting it. If the balance of “Bad” items starts tipping, then my mood may sour and I withdraw. I don’t even have to do anything for this to occur – it happens automatically. And if I’ve knocked a bunch of things off my “To-Do” list, I may feel inexplicably lighter.

Of course, there are a thousand Bible verses telling me that I’m broken (adding more “Bads” to my tote board). “There is therefore no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus…” etc. I know, because I sometimes quote them to people who tell me about their own tote board (let’s see – I quote verses at people when I shouldn’t – Bad!).

As I’ve grown older, I’ve sought to modulate my extreme behavior and get off the merry-go-round. That’s why people like Jerry, Mark, Clint, Joe, and Deryck are good for me (I probably left somebody off the list – Bad). They pull me back to sanity and call a halt to the incessant chewing thru of the “To-Do” list.

In fact, for me, that is church – doing what I can’t do for myself. It’s the Hebrews 10:23-25 practice of encouragement. I take solace in the fact that everyone I know is broken – we’re all addicts of one sort or another. We don’t need another Sunday service, but we do need the Church.