The blessing of a negative debrief

This blog belongs with my earlier series on debriefs.

18 years ago after a really difficult and mistake-filled mission project that I led, one of the participants came to my office and gave me an ear-full of criticism. She had about three pages of things we’d done wrong and was intent on reading them to me. I found her approach patronizing and cut her off. It was not a good exchange. In retrospect, I see that I should have listened. Was my ego such a fragile thing that I couldn’t take what she was dishing out? Was my time so precious that I had to interrupt?

There is a difference between a critic and an enemy. While an enemy may be out to destroy you, a critic often just wants to see things improved. It’s not personal for the critic. He actually may have pure motives, and he’s taking a risk that you’ll reject him or respond defensively when he shares his insight with you.

Feedback from those who are invested is always good. Your self-worth mustn’t depend on another person’s opinion. The point is that God uses tough people to help us grow. And if they will give us their honest opinion, then that is a gift.

To be a good leader is to appreciate feedback, period. Thin-skinned people make poor leaders because people feel like they have to walk on egg shells around them and can’t tell them the truth. I can’t tell you the number of thin-skinned people I’ve seen hit the “Peter Principle” – they never go to the next level. They stop growing and people just never give them the information they need.

The only proper way for a leader to deal with someone who may have a critical perspective is to defuse their criticism by giving them the opportunity to voice it. Clint Bokelman is excellent at this – he actually loves to talk to youth leaders like that. He’s made many friends where there was the potential for a youth leader to go off and bad mouth us.

If I give you feedback, the only appropriate response would be for you to say, “Thank you for your assessment.” And then pray about it. The Lord will reveal if it’s just my stupidity.

Many of you are leaders who have grown a lot over the years, and you’ve been beat up along the way. That’s what happens to leaders. They get beat up. It’s the price of leadership. But over time, they become more confident in how God made them and it’s easier to just let criticism that is unjustified roll off their backs.

Welcome your critics; always smile and thank them for being willing to take a risk to help you grow.