Want to change? Pray for brokenness
It’s insanely scary to stand at the beginning of an epic, staring over the abyss, with absolutely no idea what the adventure will hold.
The first month of the Race was mostly terrible for me. The adjustment was extremely difficult. I dreaded every night sleeping in my tent during hurricanes. I hated the fact that relationships were so awkward, but most people were faking it. I cried because I was flying to Romania and not home when we went to the airport for the first time as a squad.
As the months went on, things improved. I loved ministry, saw God work, and started to develop deeper relationships with my teammates. Little by little I got better at adjusting to shattered expectations and new situations. Then we hit month four in Israel. It was the month that I was most looking forward to, but once we got there, it was mostly a disappointment.
My worst day of the World Race was the day before Thanksgiving. Our squad went out into the Negev to worship, and I literally sat there for two hours crying my eyes out. I was lonely. I was tired. I was homesick. I was done.
Africa broke me down. I think because people are struggling to survive much of the time, there isn’t really much of an opportunity to present things other than exactly the way that they are. Believers there know they are weak. They know that they live each day hanging by a thread held by God. This kind of attitude is contagious. I want to bring this attitude home with me and encourage people to shout their problems from the rooftop.
In Uganda I had a terrible dream that set me on a two-month course of digging up dirt from my life and laying it out before God and others. It was really hard, but experiencing God’s complete healing and redemption and acceptance was addictive for me.
One night after I had spent a lot of time coming clean before God, I experienced God in an amazing and intimate way, and I felt like it was his stamp of approval, his way of showing me that the more of myself that I give to him, the more of himself he’ll give to me. Many of those days I felt like God was taking a piece of steel wool and scrubbing me raw from the inside out. I had to confront stuff that I never wanted to deal with, that I had talked myself into believing I had dealt with. I had to have hard conversations, seek forgiveness from people I had wronged, and in general do things that I didn’t want to do. It was like forcing myself to take cough syrup. I didn’t love it, but I knew it was good for me, and I was compelled to see the process through to the end.
Before I came on the World Race I was mostly a brat. I took Jesus’ sacrifice for granted. I was lazy about sin. I did what I wanted and abused God’s love and grace. I constantly compared myself to other people to make myself feel better-what I did wasn’t that bad, and look at all the things I’m sacrificing for God.
My perspective has completely changed. Any sacrifice that I feel like I’m making pales in comparison to the one that Jesus made on my behalf.
I’m throwing caution to the wind and listening carefully to what God is telling me to do. I’ve known for a long time that I’m called to international missions for at least some part of my life. I used to be excited but also dread the day when that call would become a reality in my life.
There are days when I’m afraid. I feel like a little girl, so incapable of doing anything of substance. But I have a faithful God to fall back on. I have such confidence these days. There have been many moments over the past few months when I’ve surprised myself. I’ve been called upon and without hesitation I’ve spoken God’s words, sang his songs, and walked out His will for me.
If I try to summarize the whole year and all the growth that’s happened, my head explodes. I’ve grown in patience. In believing the power of prayer. In obedience. In speaking life and holding fast to truth. In confidence in my spiritual gifts.
There was the time in Uganda when we went to Nancy’s house and Pastor Stephen said that “the evangelists” had a word to share. That meant it was my turn to speak. I opened my mouth and God used me to speak a word of renewal to her entire family. I thought about how earlier in the year I wouldn’t have been able to speak out with such confidence.
I’ve learned how to use my singing for the Lord. I don’t have the best voice, but I can sing, and I can use it to bring God’s presence into a room. One time in Vietnam, some of us were at a home for cancer patients. One of the ladies there told us that she wanted each one of us to sing a solo. At an earlier point in the Race, I would have been loath to sing by myself for a bunch of people. I belted out “Trading My Sorrows” and was able to bring joy into that room.
And most recently, as we went out into the bars and ministered to the women working there, I felt used by God like never before. I went into the last month feeling completely spent. The World Race wears you out, and I felt that every single day this past month. Most days were a struggle. Despite my inadequacy, and maybe even because of it, God amazingly led me to Pai and used me to play a part in His story for her life.
When I look back over the past year, it’s incredible to think about everything that I’ve encountered and conquered. I won’t lie; I get scared thinking about going home. I don’t want to have to trade this in for a bigger challenge. The best thing is that I have this past year of stories of God’s faithfulness to remind myself of.
Comments (9)
Leave a Reply
these revealing comments humble me; the heart right out there waving like a prayer flag, the photos, the confessions and seeking. and I wonder what a life of abandon would be like & the stories from afield give me glimpse. this story, and washing feet & new shoes in Swaziland, and shoveling debris in Haiti, and praying, and doing Life in his hesed presence & his hesed community. and hours here in the heartland praying for these kids & other strangers and my own two and a flagging hope and future.
Seth, these are powerful voices from broken vessels. Thank you, again.
Yep. It’s all good when we’re tracking with the Master. Thanks, Chelsea, for a great testimony.
“It’s insanely scary to stand at the beginning of an epic”
I so get that. I’m so there…
This is a great reminder that to a follower of Christ, brokenness is not optional. Sigh.
Beautiful testimony.
absolutely love this… “Despite my inadequacy, and maybe even because of it, God amazingly led me to Pai and used me to play a part in His story for her life.” God is so good… I love how He surprises us in our most broken times to bless others. Great stuff – thanks for sharing!
I love that she was able to share so deeply and honestly. This is exactly the reason that I keep coming back to AIM.
Beautiful. God has broken me in so many ways over the last eighteen months. Painful? Yes. Liberating and tranformational? Without a doubt. Optional? Never.
Like layers of an onion being peeled away, the extrandous dead crap from my life is being discarded. The closer the peeling away comes to the core the smaller the pieces and more difficult the layer is to shed, but it is indeed a beautiful thing, revealing the vital living core Jesus yearns for us to be.
I never used to pray for patience or brokenness, but now they are my most powerful requests, left to God to answer in His way, minus my suggestions.
While being broken takes on different forms it has a single predictable stop for every person passionate about their faith.
The exit from the superhighways of our own diversions is simply labeled “The Cross”.
When we linger there everything changes.
I’m so glad you are home now…and so excited to see how your journey impacts your life and our family! I love you…and I can’t stop stroking your hair and holding your hand. You are HOME!!! And God did what He wanted to do in both of our lives. I love YOU.